Feeds:
Posts
Comments

Unfathomable

I’m the ultimate contradiction. And of course, if you attempt to place a label upon, attempt to decipher my innermost psyche simply based on a chance observation, your efforts will be rendered naught.

Of that I can be sure of.

This is by no means meant to be an audacious statement, but a statement to prove a point nonetheless.

It’s true. I far surpass the comprehension of what your one-track minds can comprehend, which I’d bet not even the barest of inklings can be grasped. Yes you, all of you who are quick to judge, quick to objectify, quick to invade.

Your mind’s eye determines whether or not something is perceived as complex or simple. Likewise in the attempt to understand others.

Someone is simple if you perceive them to be, and complex if you’d like to think them so. It really boils down to how one chooses to interpret and make sense of what they see, and what they believe they saw.

For those of you who came, and  to those who are willing to come in with an open mind, welcome to my world.

I may have lost the band, which was an important part of me for 2 years plus, true that it was initially tough letting go, but hey, I’ve done it and am living very well.  Also, I believe that God knows this passion of mine.

I may have been pretty roughed up emotionally during the first few months of 2010, but in the end, managed to tide through unscathed.

I may have gone through stuff in the past that made me more shrewd and cynical , but they happened for a reason and shaped me as I am today.

I am blessed with a peaceful family and loving parents who dote on me dearly, especially my father.

I am blessed with a diverse group of friends who never fail to add much colour, excitement and cheer to my life.

I am materially blessed and am able to get most things that I want. My father’s business is flourishing.

I am blessed with good health.

I am blessed that I possess no esteem issues with regard to physical appearance, and am content with my God-given gender.

I can sleep well most nights knowing full well that the next day will be a peaceful and enjoyable one.

Though I have much to learn and grow in, I am still very much blessed.

Steel

When I said that ‘this heart will be encased in a cage of steel’ I realized that I had meant every single word.

True that I find it hard to open myself to people now, especially the people in church whom I sense are trying to befriend me. It’s kinda sad in a way though… Ideally, I would like to respond accordingly but right now I simply can’t.

I have a rather strong fear of commitment, of having to feel obliged to do something that I normally wouldn’t do in the absence of social pressure. For example, of having to be super friendly and outgoing to ‘new converts’. Most of you know that I’m the kind who is reserved, shy and aloof. I believe I’m a nice person if you get to know me, but please do not expect me to be all super friendly and welcoming on our first meeting… If you get what I mean.

Maybe it all stems down to the fact that I’m afraid of losing my individuality. If this is the way God designed me to be, well, I simply have to work my way around things.

You know,

Though I always say I dislike being a typical girl, deep down I secretly desire to have a delicate and goody-looking pretty face,  dress in a sweet, floral-printed number, act coy, demure and have all the dudes falling over to open doors and carry stuff for me. After which I will sashay in and flip my luxuriant waist-length hair while they ogle till they die.

Unfortunately (or not),

I look like this:

Photobucket

BUT…Then again, I don’t wanna be boring and conventional anyway. :)

In actuality, I  really do own some floral printed stuff .

And yes,

I did harbour thoughts of how my soulmate would be like, in personality, demeanor, appearance… and where and when I would meet him.

The ideal does not exist. That’s a well-known fact. But perhaps, I have to be a bit more stringent and discerning on certain criteria.

Zhu Zhu Pets

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PyA32aJx3EA]

If it was a kid, I would DEFINITELY beg for these at Christmas, my birthday and everyday!

With names like NumNums, Squiggles, Nugget… So cuuteeee

‘Sometimes I get to a pont
Where I don’t give a damn
About anything anymore

Sometimes I get to a point
Where I feel numb and
I just don’t care

Sometimes
I feel like I just don’t care

I sit in my car and listen to the radio
I think about the past and it seems so long ago
I know the pain is slowly gonna fade
This life is gonna get better
Things are gonna be better

I wait until my ex-wife has gone away
I walk around the house
Getting lost inside the old days

I see a picture where everybody’s smiling
I know…I got to keep it on the inside

I want to get lost from my life sometimes
Sit on the side and watch the world go by
I want to get lost and I don’t know why
Sometimes
I want to get lost and I don’t know why
Sometimes I want to get lost
and  just dream for awhile’

                                                                    -  Everclear (Song from An American Movie Pt. 2)

It’ll all seem so perfect…

To simply regress into the mind of a child, where all that really matters is catching the latest cartoons, being surrounded by toys and adult attention, candy, hugs and fluffy things.

I’m pleased to discover that from the time I’ve started exercise ( all thanks to Ms. Moley Toh for inspiration :-)   ), I’ve lost 4-5kg and have seen some small, but nevertheless obvious physical changes. For one, I am definitely less squishy and though I’ve been unsuccessful at completely obliterating that obstinate pouch of lard on my tummy, I have some semblance of abs outline.  I don’t think they can ever look even close to what Wong Li-lin has though, because I love my food too much. In particular snacks and fried goodies.

I did find my gym regime getting stale due to the fact that my muscles stopped aching, but still glad I’ve kept up with it. This is keeping in consideration the pigging out on junk and fried foods over the past week due to comfort eating. Heh.

Of course, not forgetting the jogging as well. As much as I used to seriously detest running of any kind, rope some friends together, and it becomes enjoyable… and healthy.

many attractive, highly eligible females choose to abandon their pedestals of availability among men and choose the fairer sex instead.

To be fair, guys can definitely make awesome friends and offer a very different experience from your regular girlfriends. But to find the right guy to be your life partner or even significant other, well… that’s an entirely different playing field.

If we were to stop thinking along moral cum religious lines on the hetero/homosexual divide, I believe it’s quite fair to state that in context of emotional maturity and understanding, females are heaps better.  Speaking for myself, I know exactly what a girl desires in order to feel secure, accepted, loved, and also what pleases her.  (On the same note, if  I was lesbian, I believe I would make an excellent partner. :-P

Over the years, I’ve heard and read countless sob stories on how some guys would dramatically proclaim their love, promises and whatnot to win the hearts of their prospective girlfriends, only to disappoint once the girl has actually fallen for them.  What’s worse though, is the type of guy who falls in love easily and sizzles out just as quickly,  changing targets like discarded tissue. Woe unto those who have unwittingly given their hearts to be made into chop suey by him! Sadly, it happens all too often.

And of course, the guys out there always have their reasons. Some which are valid, and others that are plain ***.

If a lady is young,  fairly attractive and eligible, chances are that she has already met more than her fair share of men that don’t make the cut. It isn’t necessarily so that she’s jaded to the extent to completely turn les, but perhaps she simply wants a break from male pms, wishy-washiness and the oh-so-common ego issue.  Perhaps in the heat of all this, she just wants satisfy the inner lesbian that dwells within most of us women. She just wants someone to satisfy her emotional and physical needs, and what more another woman who understands what all women want? No doubt that’s gonna be pretty enticing and…liberating.

Now I understand why ladies night at pLay is so happening.

Guys,  you’re very welcome to give your 2 cents. Ladies, don’t be hasty in sending me your proposals yet… I still like my men. But if you’re lucky I migghhtt just make an exception. Who knows? ;)